New Drug Menace Uncovered
  
                              by Jim Hoffman
  
  Researchers have discovered a dangerous drug which, although in
widespread use, has mysteriously evaded detection until 
recently.  The drug, known  variously as 'sleep', 'nap', 'snooze',
'zees', or 'dream', is known to be highly addictive and to have severe 
withdraw symptoms.  So addictive is this drug, researchers claim, that
not a single case of successful withdraw has been 
documented.  Most users need a 'fix' on a daily basis, as withdraw
typically sets in within a day of abstinence.  Withdraw symptoms 
include fatigue, unclear thinking, impaired motor performance, and
irritability. Intergenerational transmission of the drug addiction has 
been observed in numerous cases.

     The actual drug, known as endorphin, is classified as a narcotic
analgesic and is closely related to heroin.  Its effects, however, 
are far more severe, as users are typically completely incapacitated -
even comatose - while on the drug.  Moreover users returning 
from a dose of 'sleep' frequently speak of wild delusions had while on
the drug.  By a fortunate coincidence of nature the 
incapacitating effects of the drug restrain the user from acting out
violently on their delusions.  It is not known, however, whether 
users might carry out violent acts, while sober, based on delusions from
a recent 'sleep' episode.

      One of the features of this drug epidemic that is particularly
worrisome is that most users apparently have the ability to synthesize 
the drug in their own brains!  Government and law enforcement officials,
caught off guard by the revelation that such a powerful drug 
is already in wide-spread use, are quick to point to this fact in
defense of their inaction. One official put it thusly: How can we fight a 
drug that addicts can score in their own brains?  And they can snap
themselves out of it in seconds; you've got no evidence, no 
case.  Can't nail em on piss either, 'cause they tell me everybody's got
some of this stuff floating around in their bloodstreams. Others 
have pointed out that most users indulge in this drug only in the
presence of family and close friends, and mask the activity with 
euphemisms like 'rest' or 'shut-eye'.

      Other officials are more sanguine about the possibilities of
fighting this menace.  They are suggesting the repeal of the 
constitution and bill of rights so police may routinely visit private
residences to root out this activity, as well as the offering of rewards 
for the reporting of people engaged in the crime.  The behavioral
symptoms to look for are: horizontal posture, lying almost motionless 
for hours at a time, unresponsiveness, and regular breathing.  A sudden
stimulus, such as a loud noise, is an effective antidote, 
though it should be used with caution, as the user is apt to become violent.  

     High level government officials have promised swift action
scheduling this dangerous substance.  Meanwhile, market analysts 
have projected the sale of eggs and frying pans to skyrocket when
parents, recognizing their children are in danger, really get down 
to business with drug education.