We have never understood why people want anchovies on their pizza.  If we
wanted a creature which lived in water on our pizza, we'd also put water
on our pizza instead of tomato sauce.  It seems that a fish would find it
more appealing to be in water than in a tomato-based sauce.  Actually, we
prefer pieces of cow on our pizza.  Cow pieces would be more appealing in
a tomato-based sauce because of the close relationship between cows and
tomatoes.  Actually, the relationship is between cows and bushes.  Tomatoes do,
however, grow on bushes, so the relationship can be extended to tomatoes.
For the sake of this discussion, we will contain the relationship to
cows and the actual plantlife.  

   A plant is considered to be a bush if it is smaller than a cow.  If
the plant is larger than a cow, it should be considered to be a tree.  This
size relation seems fairly straightforward at first, but it can become
tricky if you are not careful.  The classification of the plant is
completely relative to the size of the cow.  For example, plant A is a
large bush because it is smaller than a large cow (cow A).  If we replaced
cow A with a small cow (cow B), plant A is a small tree because it is
bigger than the cow.  See figures 1a and 1b (below).

              **                               
plant a> !    **                   plant a> !   
         !    ** <cow a                     !   ** <cow b
      --------------------              ----------------------
         fig. 1a                           fig. 1b

   The color of a cow can be determined by what plant life it is near.
Table 1 (below) is a quick look-up table to determine the cow's color,
assuming that you know the nearby plantlife.  To properly use the table,
you must know the condition of the plantlife.  If you examine the table
carefully, you may already be able to see the scientific explanation for
the values. 

Table 1

Nearby plantlife                |  Cow color
-------------------------------------------------------
dead bush or tree (no leaves)   | brown          
brown bush or tree              | black and white
green bush or tree              | black and white
seaweed                         | blue

   The natural color resting state of cows is black and white.  This
means that a cow is black and white until something happens which makes
it change color.  Using this information, we can see that in two cases
on the table, the cow remains in its natural state.  When the nearby
plantlife is either a green bush or tree, the cow will be in the black
and white state and will, unfortunately, be dead as well.  You may be
wondering how we can determine that the cow will be dead.  The green
bush indicates that the cow has not eaten it yet and, therefore, has
starved to death.  A brown bush or tree indicates that the cow has begun
to eat the plant, which would then say that the cow is still alive.
Nothing extraordinary has happened to the cow to make it turn a
different color, though.  A dead bush or tree shows that the cow has
eaten the entire plant.  The cow will now turn brown because of the
high concentration of brown leaves in its body.  If the nearby plantlife
is seaweed, the cow must be standing underwater.  Cows can not breathe
underwater, so they turn blue from lack of oxygen.  In this case, the
cow will most likely be dead.  We can not be certain, however.

   Most people, at this point, are saying that this table really doesn't
tell us anything.  They think that we could place a black and white cow
next to a dead plant.  This assumption is false.  If we were to attempt
to place a black and white cow next to a dead plant, the cow would
immediately move off in search of food.  The cow could then be found
standing next to a brown plant that it had started to eat.  The cow
might also be found standing next to a green plant, but it would be dead
from malnutrition, since it was too stupid to eat the plant.  Only a
brown cow can be found next to a dead plant because a brown cow has only
recently eaten more than its fill of a plant and will not be interested
in more food.  If a brown cow is placed next to a brown or green plant
it will immediately retreat because it can still remember that the last
plant that it saw like that had given it a large stomach ache.

   The relationship described in this document was carefully researched
by the Rochester Organization of Loons and has been proven correct by
the powers that be.  The concepts illustrated within this document are
not easily understood or accepted, but we hope that this document has
helped you to better understand and accept the relationship between cows
and nearby plantlife.  For more information about this topic, please
write to the Rochester Organization of Loons.  Be sure to mention that
you have read the document regarding "The New Law of Cows and Effect".